Someone or Something
One of the more “self-evident” truths in life is that men and women are different. In fact, they are so different, that were it not for our ability to procreate, I believe a strong argument could be made that we are completely different “species.”
This is why a man and a woman can look at exactly the same thing at the same time, and come to completely different conclusions. For example, when my wife and I come upon a traffic accident, the first thought to my mind is “Whose at fault?” But her thought is, “Was anyone hurt?” Now its not that I don’t care whether someone is hurt or not. It’s just not the first thing that comes to my mind.
Additionally, men’s minds always work more slowly than women’s do, especially when it has to do with “feelings.” Ask a man “How does that make you feel,” and you better have a great deal of time on your hands. Ask a woman the same questions and you won’t even get to the end of the sentence before she begins answering.
Mistakenly, women often interpret the glacial speed with which their husband answers emotionally probing questions as evidence that they are unfeeling, or they are trying to conceal a secret hatred or contempt. Men, on the other hand, tend to view their wives lightning-round response as proof that their wives operate on emotions and don’t really care about how their husbands actually feel.
Both are wrong. It is really just a matter of the difference in way men vs. women process information in the brain. For men, uncovering their feelings is a long an arduous process. Answers to “feelings” questions will usually leak out over hours, days or even weeks. So ladies, when you ask you husband a question and he says, “Let me think about that for a while,” he probably isn’t trying to come up with an excuse, or trying to avoid giving an answer he knows will get him in trouble; most likely he really isn’t sure what he “feels” about your question. It is going to take him time to aerate his brain enough to allow his true feelings to rise to the surface.
For men, processing thoughts is a left-to-right brain activity. Information enters into the left, cognitive, rational, reasoning side of his brain, wanders there for a while until it finds the one small door that opens to the left sphere of emotions and feelings on the right side of his brain. Once there, a conversation begins to take place between the two sides, eventually rendering a conclusive thought, like, “I think I like the red one.”
For women, the process can hardly be called a process. Whereas men have to think before they feel; for women it’s both, almost instantaneously. Her thoughts and her feelings, left brain/right-brain, rush to get through the same doorway at the same time; like a bunch of “after-Christmas” shoppers at 6AM in front of Target. If the feelings are intense, the words just kind of tumble out.
But this different approach to perspective and communication, also effects how we define happiness and/or fulfillment in life. Paul really captured the concept when he told the Ephesians…
“…each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." (Ephesians 5:33)
Husbands “must” love their wives; wives “must” respect their husbands. Why, because what men want most from their wives, more than love, sex, dinner and laundry, is respect. What women want more than respect, equal pay for equal labor, or a Nordstrom card with no limit, is to be “loved.”
This is not only true with regards to our marriages, but it also defines how we go about our search for significance. For men being significant means doing something of value. For women significance is found in being somebody of value. For men it’s in what we do (doing). For women, it is who we are (being).
This is why career is so much more important to a man than it is to a woman. And why losing a job is so devastating to a man’s identity. He tends to define himself by the kind of work he does, or by his expertise in some area of interest. These are the badges of honor that he wears in public, and from which he hopes to derive the unending admiration of his peers.
But women are far more concerned about what those nearest to them “think” and “feel” about them; especially their husbands: Does he love me for who I am? Does he see me as someone or some thing.